just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
