I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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