I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
