when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
