you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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