I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
