I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
