im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
