the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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