I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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