what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
