I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
