Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Do vagina's smell?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
