pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
