"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
