WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
