Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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