1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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