wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
