I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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