I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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