At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
