my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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