how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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