god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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