While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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