How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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