So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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