I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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