Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
how does that bad decision feel?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
