fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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