Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
