you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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