this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
