Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
