I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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