I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
