yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
