I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
