everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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