Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
