Princesses don't give blow jobs
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
