Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
