1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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