I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
