help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
