you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
