That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
