i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
