My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
