Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
