i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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