Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
