I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Text me some of your sweat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
