i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
