Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
