So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
