Plan B is the new Plan A
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
